Oh PowerBar, why can I not eat you?

You stare at me every morning from your dark home in my second desk drawer. Longing for me to choose you over the enemy, the almighty McMuffin. You tempt me with your shiny wrapper, your incredible self-portraits and your claims of physical prowess and well-being you might bring should I choose you over the warmer, more obvious breakfast option. Alas, I find myself hopelessly unable to test the waters with you. You are just beyond my taste bud spectrum I fear. In other words, it's not you, it's me. I'm afraid you might exceed your "Best if consumed by" date - or whatever you call it - and maybe I'm secretly looking forward to that day. You're reliable because you're always an option but you're probably too good to be true. You're just a temptress. Outer shell of chocolate, inner ingredients of fake nougat, coconut and some nuts I've never seen before. [insert TWSS here]. Taste of cardboard, old sawdust and the color brown. You do have one glimmer of hope. Maybe some day when a combination of variables come together, we will meet. Your perfect storm would include me running late for work, slightly hungover, no money, and a growling appetite. Then, you might meet your fate. Until then, keep praying that you can alter your Best if date, cuz I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Shameless plug for a cool new product

I'm sure most of you are familiar with what is typically referred to as a "coozie" - it is that wonderful invention that help keep your frothy brew chilly for 5 minutes longer than it would if left unsheathed. Well I have a new product that puts a nice spin onto this modern convenience. It's called Cap-a-Cooz. Check it out: www.capacooz.com. My buddies from college dreamed it up. See, if you're a fan of drinking brews out of bottles, as I am, its always a pain in the ass to have to find a bottle opener. Some inventions have come along help with this issue, like the credit card bottle opener, the board shorts bottle opener (which doubles as a wax comb), and the seldom used but always bragged about flip flop bottle opener.

Well, my friends, here's the newest way to open your beers. And keep them cool at the same time. $5.99+tax gets you one.

That's what she said in the elevator

I swear, maybe it's because it's my go-to humor injection to unfunny conversation, but I keep finding myself in the ultimate TWSS situations. See my post about voting last week.

I'm in the elevator this morning, and a co-worker and I are discussing our divergent breakfast habits. See, I prefer McDonald's most mornings, and she was carrying a McDonald's bag, so it was a natural conversation starter. Basically, she only gets McDonald's for one of two reasons: a) she's running late or b) she's out of milk at the office. She usually eats Crispix for breakfast, but she remembered that she was out of milk, hence the visit to Mickey D's for the sausage and egg bagel. She's a funny, loud redhead, known best for her laugh and running the annual March Madness pool at the office. So, whether she meant to say this or not, and I assume not, it will go down as one of the dirtier and most uncomfortable TWSS moments in my history of using the term. But it didn't stop me. Maybe it should have.

She was giving me her reasons for not wanting to eat cereal this morning, the last of which was "It's just not as good when it's dry."

Yep, that's what she said.

Monday is only one day

Unfortunately. And I've never said that before. But today is different. I had a restful Sunday, got some decent sleep, and just have an overwhelming sense of positive energy this morning. So now the trick is to parlay this on to the rest of the week. And then further. I'm going to try something today. Since I know several things that can alter my mood (positively and negatively), I'm going to avoid those today. I will stay away from the book of faces, I'm going to stay off gchat, and I'm going to focus on getting a head start on work for the week. Music, work, a good lunch, and an evening of tv (Chuck, Heroes, then some MNF). That should ensure Monday stays cool. One [good] day at a time.

An open letter to bartenders

I have a drinking problem. Surprisingly, I don't think the problem is that I drink too much. It's the consequences of my drinking actions that have me concerned. While I enjoy the process, the results are definitely not always equally enjoyable.

Which leads me to my main point. I cannot go at this alone. I need a sponsor, an ally in this war, someone to keep me accountable. I don't see anyone more fitting for this role than you Mr./Ms. Bartender. You can be my piano man right? No pressure. All you have to do is keep me focused. I don't need medication, just your dedication. If you could, keep me from staying until you turn the lights on. Don't let me help you stack the barstools. Don't let me have a to go cup. Don't let me tell the cab driver to take me to freedom. Or to his leader. Don't let me hide in the bathroom stall, hoping you'll leave soon and I can have the rest of the keg to myself. Don't allow me to continue spending money like I have it. I'll tip you better if you help me understand why I've ordered a round of shots for 14 people I don't know. Don't laugh at my jokes. Don't light my cigarettes (I'm still quitting). Don't allow me to declare "Late Night!" at any point. Don't let me use my weapon (phone or any other) after my fourth drink. Don't let me borrow yours because that would make our arrangement slightly uncomfortable. Don't refuse to tell me the woman I'm sitting next to is a trainwreck. In other words, don't rest on your laurels. Be proactive.

You see, we need each other. So let's start acting like the pals we've always been. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Come on buddy, follow these helpful suggestions and you and me can lick this problem once and for all.

Caption Contest

So this is a picture of a friend of mine who recently took up climbing. Couldn't help but notice some of the unique holds on this particular wall.

Let the caption contest begin!

Entry #1: That nude male statue cannot be to scale...

Voting can be fun

Let me preface this little nugget with one thought: What you are about to read is absolutely 100% true.

So I went to cast my vote for the next President, Vice President, Governor, Head of the Department of Labor (Go Cherie Berry-love your name!), and every other political office on my bubble sheet. I was dreading the waiting in line, which is the main reason I had put it off as long as I had. But I was pleasantly surprised when a nice man hollered at me for being in the wrong line. Funny, I didn't know there were two lines because one was outside, and one was all the way inside. I was supposed to be in the invisible line. Obviously.

The second line was much shorter. It was for us lazy citizens who needed to register in our current county of residence. I was fine with that. There were chairs, and wonderfully pleasant volunteers to chat with. When it came my turn to re-register, a nice older lady was assigned to help. Her name was Jo. She was probably pretty attractive 40 years ago, and if the timing had been a little different, something tells me we could have had a real shot at love. At least given it a go...tangent. Sorry. So as I'm sitting there making small talk with Jo, another volunteer settles in at her post to begin registering other lazy miscreants. The next dude in line saddles up across from the new lady, and begins making small talk. She appears confused, full of McDonald's and generally uncomfortable. Just as Jo is about to lend a hand, the new girl says to dude "Now, you'll have to be patient with me. This is the first time I've done this in a really long time. I'm a little rusty."

Now, I am sitting next to dude, and I just can't not do it. I held it in for as long as I could, but it was no use. I blurted "That's what she said..."

The entire second line heard it, and everyone started giggling. Then laughing. Then knee-slapping and high-fiving. Regardless of party affiliation, color, creed, age. It was an uproar. A good 3 minutes of solid entertainment. I loved it. I felt like I made a positive contribution to every second-line member's Saturday. [Pat on the back]

If you don't believe me, ask Erin Phillips. We went to elementary school together. Dude was her boyfriend. Hadn't seen her in 20 years. She enjoyed the moment as well. Thank you Steve Carell for making "That's what she said" aka TWSS aka TWSS HHHHHHH funny again.